06 May 2013

My take on why some women are still single?????

This post was inspired after a conversation with a sister/daughter/friend as I call some of my young daughters because I am not that old :>)! lol Anyway, there are many single females that desire a man but are not married or did not successfully stay married. I desired to get married when I was 22 but it was at the age of 28 before l I finally married Mr. Shawn Michael Adams. However, I know quite a few women in their late 20's, 30's, and mid to late 40's who desire marriage but for some reason have not been found by "the one"! There are so many reasons why women have not married or have not been successful in marriage and I will not attempt nor am I qualified to address them all! And for some single or divorced women, none of this will apply because some things only God knows. Since I do not profess to be an expert, I am sharing my thoughts from the perspective as a pastor who ministers, mentors, and advises women of all ages and professions.  I also am writing this from my experience and perspective when I was single and what I think was the catalyst that led my husband to find me. Again, this is my position of "why I think some women are still single?" Therefore, my opinions and perspectives are not absolutes and focus from a woman's perspective and no doubt men have their issues too but this dialogue only provides one side of the conversation. I welcome yours and your feedback in the comments below from a positive yet brutally honest place as this is how I tend to write and communicate-- positive but honest and sometimes brutally honest! Here I go!
My take on why some women are still single????

From my perspective, I was single for several reasons and I will elaborate on a few! I was needy, didn't have an identity in Christ, desperate to get married, hadn't really done the work to become free of some serious issues in my heart, I was not walking in my purpose, and was a bit too spiritual and over the top.  Now these were my issues and I had to take a good look at myself and make some changes to become marriage material for a mature, strong, godly man with purpose and vision. You see, God does not put His strong godly men with junk so if I desired Mr. Right-- I had to become Ms. Right in order for him to find a "good thang". Though, these may not be your issues or your friend's (lol), you may find one or two of these areas a point of concern for you or your friend. And I must emphasize, you may not become perfect in all these places but I do think they are crucial to first being a solid Christian and second becoming "awesome marriage material" for a strong godly man!

1. DON'T BE NEEDY: When we are needy and lack identity we are not ready for marriage! When we are needy, we lack a sense of who we are and we desire a man to complete us and fill the void in our lives. Needy women have a tendency to drain men of their life, mental center, and wallet. We need that man to be our affirmation and if he does not fulfill us or make us feel like we are somebody-- then we feel rejected, like we don't matter, and often settle for whatever the man will give us. We do this because we don't really know who we are and we devalue ourselves and take what we can get as well we find ourselves giving away our souls (mentally, spiritually, and sexually)! I found this was the case for me. I needed a man to validate me so I settled and took whomever and whatever even if it meant having someone who treated me poorly, and kept me emotionally unsettled because his wayward ways. Also, I gave him everything, can I say everything with the hopes that eventually I would win his love and affection. But for some reason, I always fell short and many of those relationships ended sadly thus creating more baggage that I took into the next relationship. Then, the light came on-- I needed to find out who I was and become less needy in order to become a good potential mate.  Christ was the One who helped me begin to find out who I was and helped me learned to be less dependent on a man and more dependent on Him for identity, love, direction, and purpose. But I had to become honest with myself and honest with God. "Why didn't I believe in myself and why did I need a man so bad," were the questions I had to answer.  For me, my value was in my external so my identity was quite shallow and faulty! Also, I did not know why I was created so I leaned toward desiring a man to give me identity and purpose. So I ask you, "do you believe in yourself, do you value the gift in you, and do you know your purpose and identity for which you were created and are you walking in it"? These are critical questions to answer and when they become a reality in life-- we become less needy and more ready to fulfill God's purpose as well as marry successfully! STRONG, PURPOSE DRIVEN, CONFIDENT GODLY WOMEN ATTRACT STRONG PURPOSE DRIVEN CONFIDENT MEN!

2. KNOW WHO YOU ARE IN CHRIST: For the first time after tapping into a REAL relationship with Christ in 1992, I found out that He created me with gifts, talents, potential, and a vision that was authentic and tailored made specifically for me. I begin to value my worth as a person with purpose rather than a female with just a face and body but one with an intelligent mind and purposeful heart! I really felt like I wasn't wise enough nor had a real purpose in life so I pursued shallow things. However, my identity was unfolding right before me and God was leading me down a healthy path and I begin to set standards for myself and standards for the type of men I dated.  As a woman begins to know her strength and know who she is in Christ, she will refuse to settle for anything less than God's best. The journey of knowing who you are is knowing who He is and what He has said about you. This begins in a myriad of ways which include reading His word, prayer, seeking Him for answers to these questions, and healing from your old thinking, past pains, and beginning to walk in a new mindset and doing the work necessary to achieve this posture for real

3. DO THE WORK: Not doing the work is one of the main factors why women are not prepared for life or marriage because we sometimes refuse or don’t know how to do the work to change! To become God’s best as well God's best mate for His godly men-- we must do the work! Just because we know the scriptures, doesn't indicate that His word has really transformed our heart and is a consistent, vivid, real reality in our life. We know when it's real for us and others and when it's fake. Work that God prescribes helps the word become a reality in our life. Prior to doing the work, we have to be honest with ourselves to discover what areas in our lives need some work. Concurrently, after we discover what needs work, we must do whatever God says to get free and delivered.

I will share my issues and the work I did and write in first person rather than writing using the pronoun "you" but you may find that you've dealt or are dealing with some similar things! First, I had to acknowledge that I had lust in my heart, desired a rich good looking man for status and security, lacked proper affirmation from my father, felt rejected, set barriers because of past pain, and I was needy, insecure, angry, jealous of other women, super spiritual, and was selfish and self-centered to name a few! So how did the work start after God helped me to identify these issues? For purposes of this blog, I can't go into full detail but I do in my book, but I'll share a few things that required work. I reiterate, I FIRST HAD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THESE ISSUES AND BE HONEST WITH MYSELF ABOUT WHAT WAS IN MY HEART. My work consisted of counseling, prayer, reading the word daily, being mentoring by strong godly women and listening, letting go of negative people in my life, deliverance, speaking the word over my mind and heart, letting go of the barriers and allowing others to love me, renouncing sin, letting go of the premarital-sex, alcohol, and fantasies and replacing it with God's love, and walking and obeying God through my pain in a real, sold out, and steady relationship with Christ. I had to deal with my rejection, insecurities, and lack of feeling affirmed. My counselor helped me deal with the root issues of these problems and helped me begin to change my thinking and assume affirmation from God and not a man. This took years to walk through. There were people in my life that spoke the truth to me and I had to receive it. It was hard to hear but when we deny truth- we continue to hold and practice unhealthy things. I continually asked God to help me with lust and to stop using my body to attract men. I desired a man to see my heart and not desire my body only. I HAD MUCH WORK! Thus, I prayed and had others to pray prayers of deliverance to purge my lustful spirit. And I stopped having sex and sleeping with men outside of marriage (my book goes into more detail about deliverance and soul ties). Also, I had to ask God to deliver me from worldly, selfish desires and give me a heart for Him and His people rather than my selfish shallow desires. Thus, I had to start putting others needs before mine. Thus, my identity, purpose, and a spiritual center became the reality in my life and I was better prepared to be a vessel for God's purposes and intentions and a help mate to the godly man that found me.

Since this is a blog and not a book :>), I will end on this note and say these last words to women and specifically to my single sisters. Since I did not cover being super spiritual, I’ll interject this before closing. Sometimes, we can use god-talk, religious gifts, and unhealthy church practices to hide behind the pain and cover up the pride, control, and inferiority that we have in our heart. Christian women who do this sometimes detract godly men rather than attract them. (another blog for another time but I thought I'd throw that in there because it's true) In closing-- marriage is not the end all and be all to our happiness but for those women who desire marriage and are not at this time, once you've overcome being needy, know who you are in Christ, and do the work-- God will send you that person He ordained for your life. For some of us, it may take longer than others and God has a perfect time when He releases every promise in our life. Being free is a life-long process and once we overcome one area, we have to pursue our continual freedom and be open to other areas in our life that need work.  A helpmate is more spiritual than natural and it takes a strong godly woman who knows who she is to spiritually love, nurture, and support a godly man with vision and purpose. If we don't know who we are, not only can a man tear us down but we too can tear him down. Again, I have shared this from my perspective and there is so much more that can be addressed on this topic but I wholeheartedly believe that the 3 areas discussed in my blog reveal reasons why some women are still single and provide answers that will help not only single women but all women become better, purpose-driven Christians; thus, preparing to become awesome godly wives!

I'll stop right here! :>) To order my book "Searching to Fill the Void: For young and mature women desiring purpose, wholeness, and a man"-- go to amazon! I am in the midst of a rewrite but copies can be purchased there if you desire to read more. Hit this link  http://www.amazon.com/SEARCHING-TO-FILL-THE-VOID/dp/1597813400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1367804787&sr=8-1&keywords=Searching+to+Fill+the+void+Sonia+Adams


  1. This is great...thanks for sharing :)))

  2. Pastor Sonia,
    I must say that you hit the nail on the head with this blog post. This is so similar to my story that it's not even funny. I did my Senior project last year on the topic of women's identity entitled, "Project Identity: Black Woman’s Identity Deconstruction and Reconstruction As A Result of Loss or Trauma." My argument is that some type of loss or trauma brings a women to the point of realizing that she does not know who she really is. She has based her value and worth on titles, status, relationships, etc. things that are external and only God can define who she is so she has to deconstruct the old mindset and reconstruct an authentic self image and identity in partnership with an intimate relationship with God. My process was similar to yours and I am still a work in progress. I thank God that I am not where I was three years ago. My trauma and loss came when I lost my 11 plus year career at Turner Broadcasting and a relationship with the man I was planning to marry in the same year. My world was turned upside down but now I realize it was turn right side up. I am still single because I was not whole apart from the titles and the relationship I had, now I am whole and working on being the best me I can be so I will be ready for the best man God has for me. Thank you for sharing your story and I ordered your book.

    Pastor Kimberlyn